I'm too scared.
I've never had the gall.
I want to let go,
At least for a time,
But I fear for my eternity.
I want to doubt,
But the truths that I have affirmed haunt me,
Nailing my fingers into the Rock,
Giving me the strength to hold on a little longer.
Every thrashing
Of my mind
Of my Spirit
Meets resistance from what?
Conditioning, trauma, childhood,
Training, conscience, Spirit?
You have encouraged me to be honest.
To my own jeopardy I oblige.
God, I am not convinced.
I believe in You,
I believe in Your Son,
I believe in Your Spirit,
I've seen You move,
I've heard You speak,
I've been transformed.
But it seems the life You prescribe
Works only for some.
The new life is not as advertised.
I am trying as hard,
As best as I know how
To press into You.
I deny myself
Or at least I believe I do
Yet still,
Where is the love?
The joy?
The peace?
The burden is not easy
And the yoke is not light.
I can no longer deny reality.
No longer can I shield my eyes
From the contradictions
From the reality that if
This is new life
Then I struggle to see the good in it
From the perception that
The history recounted in Your Word
Does not appear to be the truth.
I am not the arbiter of truth,
Of good and evil.
I am a fool!
But I am so tired
Of being a fool split between worlds
Living a lie.
HOW AM I TO SAY I AM FREE
WHAT NEW LIFE AM I LIVING
THAT I AM IN BONDAGE
TO THE FUCKING CHEMICALS IN MY BRAIN
YOU RAISED FROM THE DEAD
YOU CAST OUT DEMONS
WHAT THEN IS THIS LIFE?
WE WANDER TO AND FRO
SQUABBLING OVER DOLLARS AND PENNIES
WHEN YOU PROMISED THE POWER
TO MOVE MOUNTAINS
WHY THEN
AS I PURSUE YOUR GRAND AND HOLY PURPOSE
AM I IN FUCKING SHAMBLES
OVER THE WORRIES OF THIS WORLD!
THE GREAT CONTRADICTION IS THIS
THAT YOU OFFER UNLIMITED POWER
YOU TELL ME TO LIVE PERFECTLY
AND YOU TELL ME THAT I AM WEAK
AND YOU TELL ME THAT I AM DUST
AND YOU TELL ME THAT I HAVE NO POWER OF MY OWN
YET I MUST DEPEND ON MY POWER TO ACCESS YOURS
WHAT CRUEL FUCKING JOKE IS THIS
IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE LORD
GOD YOU KNOW I AM THE FOOL OF FOOLS
BUT YOU SHOULD BE GREATER
I KNOW YOU ARE GREATER
WHY THEN AM I ADMITTED FREELY TO TORMENT
IN CYCLES OF FAITH AND FUTILITY
I SHOULD BE FREE
YOU PROMISED THAT I AM FREE
YOU TELL ME I AM FREE
BUT I AM NOT
I HAVEN'T BEEN
NOT FOR THE LONGEST TIME
I HAVE NOT HAD PEACE
AND I KNOW
BY YOUR DEFINITION
IT IS FOOLISHNESS
BLASPHEMY, PERHAPS HERESY
TO DEMAND OR DESERVE IT
BUT YOU PROMISE IT
AND THAT IS WHAT BREAKS MY HEART
THAT MY LIFE
AND THE LIFE YOU PROMISE
ARE NOT THE SAME
EVEN AS I TRY MY HARDEST
TO LIVE FOR YOU
...
God I believe,
But help my unbelief.
I don't understand our reality.
Just let me be a better man,
Let me love others the best I can,
And I will be happy.
...
Finally, I let go of the Rock.
I feel the nails rip through my flesh.
Tearing apart every strand and tendon.
Breaking my fingernails in two.
And I fall.
And I am at peace.
In freefall I close my eyes
And sing a hymn
In the presence of my people,
Which I never could before.
...
A man comes to me.
He tells me he admires my passion for You.
As I write my creed of deconstruction.
A cruel irony.
For a while we talk.
He tells me of his conversion
And his struggles
The peace he has found with You.
A cruel irony.
He prophesies over me,
Calls me a musician.
He says he knows You will use me
To bring many to You.
A cruel irony.
Nevertheless,
I encourage him
He prays for me
And I for Him
And God I hope he finds what he's looking for.
I feel the Spirit in me flicker to life
Free to come, free to go
But no longer
Can I hinge my reality
On the whims of the faith which I have lived
I have not the heart
To lay down my life
And to be met with chaos
I pursue truth,
I pursue love,
I pursue peace,
And may what I find be true.
And may what I find set me free.
Amen.