Reckoning I

Psalm of Desperation

trigger warning: gore

I'm so sorry

I look back but time moves forward still
It pushes me back
And I can't stop it, much less shatter it
With my mind's eye I stare into the hazy past
And though I'd love to run some years back
To see you again
To lean down to you
To pick you up
And hold you in my arms
I cannot take a step forward

In these moments,
I become aware again
that I am a vessel of clay.
I become aware again
Of my form and my shape
Yet I question for what purpose
He formed me
I wonder what load
I was meant to carry
As I look back
I feel a vessel of wrath
Yet I know the truth
That when I look forward
You show me who I am
A vessel of grace

Yet in perpetuity
As I am becoming who I am
When I look into Your holiness
I am blinded by what I am not

I lay here a shattered vessel
My eyes hardly lifted to you
My face pointed to the ground
My jaw is torn open as
Blood pours from my maw
The only thing I can do
Is use my teeth as anchors
As I writhe forward with my shoulders
To move an inch forward
Made possible only by
The blood You put in my veins
The blood You shed on the cross
Only by your blood can I reach towards You
Only by your blood can I move forward

Jesus hold my face
Let me not turn to myself
For You are the Great Physician
Your truth is the blade
That cuts through the lies I adopted

Your blood is the cure I ingest
To cure my wretched soul
From the sickness that I put on
That I accepted
That I beloved
As I was deceived
And looked to the curse
To set me free

I look in disgust at this thing
Which now binds me
That now keeps me
From the freedom
That You won for me
As you put the principalities to shame
on the cross
Yet it is rooted in my flesh
And I cannot bring myself
To cut off my hand

God
As my body is dragged
through the corridors of time
And my wicked vessel
Slams against the debris
Sharp though it may be
Lined on the edges of the street
Though I am beaten and torn
I clutch on to my cross
And follow You

Though I may be
Like Jonah
Or Like Samson
Though I may be
An unwilling vessel
Only by Your grace
Used for Your love
Used for Your good
Though I may be remembered only
For my foolishness
As I squirmed toward
becoming who I am
Use me I pray

Let me be a home
Of Your Spirit and Your truth
Make me lesser
That You may be greater
And may there be no room for any other

To You
Be the power
The glory
The honor
Forever and ever
To the Lamb
That was slain
The only One
Deserving of it all

Amen