Recently I have found myself indulging in escapism. I often have thoughts of doing something radical and out of
character yet not quite unreasonable, but never carry through. Just yesterday I bucked this trend. I saw a job
listing for a full time position 2,500 miles away in a field that I am qualified for but is not what I am
going to school for. I made a refocused version of my resume, wrote a professional but deeply sincere cover
letter and submitted an application. A snafu, a glitch in my behavior, indicating a detachment from reality.
I considered what would happen if I actually worked that job:
It's a terrible decision. But when I really, truly asked myself if I would do it, the answer was yes. Like I
just acted on a burgeoning desire that I had joked about from years and felt the dissonance as something I
always discarded as absurdity became reality by my own hand. How fickle the foundations of my character are.
Of course, I likely won't get the job. But then what if I don't? Then I do my internship (because God forbid I
let down my boss!), then I speedrun the end of my degree (because God forbid I take a break, or disappoint my
parents, or not be good enough, or let down God, or let down myself), then I do another internship, then maybe
I do a couple more degrees, and somewhere I get married, and then there's my career, and undertoning and
covering all of this like a sickly sweet glaze is the writhing mass of other responsibilities that I keep
piling on for myself like a madman because I'd rather off myself than let someone down or turn down an
interesting opportunity!
Maybe I don't want a break, maybe I don't want peace, I'm not sure. But I'm watching a dysmorphia, as the future
I had dreamed of now feels to me more like Greek tragedy: Sisyphus, Atlas. An eternal weight, never relieved,
perhaps changing in nature but fundamentally feeling the same, until my body crumbles and I can no longer bear
to remain a moment longer.
Is this what going mad feels like? No, I'm not mad enough to be mad. I'm a privileged white boy with stress
issues while people are starving and being tortured and killed. But at the very least I'm unwell. But for some
reason I'd rather do anything else but seek help. I think what I'm thirsting for is rock bottom. It's always
been my salvation. Perhaps I'm plunging to the bottom because when I hit I trust that I won't die. It's really
funny. Because what the hell is anyone else going to do about it, and why should they care! Get in line, right?
Very very funny :) I feel like poison is rushing through my throat with every breath. There's something I wanted
to say instead of this after the second but I forgot. It's really cathartic and terrifying to see the breakdown
and delusion you always imagined happening in real time. All the thoughts are flooding and I can see them spew
from and race by my mind. Hey, passing by just like my life! Perfectly on brand! What am if not what I am now?
There's no other path. Even in freedom I fill it with self torture and masochism. Say I drop everything. It's
not like I suddenly find myself! What I want to be has changed fundamentally, rapidly! Remember when I wanted to
be a pastor? When someone prophesied I would be a preacher and it filled me with joy? Good God, that wasn't even
three months ago! Times change. It's rushing by me. I'm living in a sandstorm and I'm content to get buried.
Good God. Good God. Good God, life on earth feels like hell.
Has it all just been flailing? God, I don't even have a concept of how I'm feeling right now, or of reality in
general, but if you're here with me, I pray that You help me. I'm sorry, it feels like that's all I ever talk to
you for. Even when you've done so much good for me. Thank You, Jesus. I'm so sorry for every test I fail, every
time I fall, how I'm slipping and throwing away a life that could be used for Your kingdom. I pray that when
judgement day comes, I'm wearing Your righteousness, not my own. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry brother. I know you're concerned, and you care. Thank you for trying to get me to help myself. I'm
sorry I haven't.